sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
