I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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