OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
