ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I puked a lego.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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