im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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