We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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