i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
