just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
