Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
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