but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
