btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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