Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
