She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
