the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
These tits shall not be calmed
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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