I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
