My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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