Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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