you traded sex for a burrito?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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