That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
The air was thick with penises
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
