Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
