I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
