he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
