I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
