I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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