You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
