afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
