Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
