I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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