WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
