Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
