the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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