babies were throwing up all over the place
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
