Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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