I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
