I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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