The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
