I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
