take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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