Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
