So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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