one two three fourrrrnication!
I met the friendliest cop last night
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
