He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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