Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
