Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
