i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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