Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
