it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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