i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
