I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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