I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize