Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
