How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
