Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
