If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
