My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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