Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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