Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
