last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
