nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
