Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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