After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
