I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Floor bacon is actually really good
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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