I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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