I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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