why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
