It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
